It seems that the first North American city to fall victim to legions of undead reanimated by the Zombie-Jacko is Chicago, Illinois. Last weekend, hundreds of undead were caught on tape lumbering through the streets of the north side. The epicenter of the invasion seemed to be the famed Wicker Park, always a hotspot of the undead. On a good night, one strolling through Wicker Park will easily spot a dozen at least half-undead looking folks shambling brainlessly around the park. What sets this occurrence apart was the sheer mass of rotting zombie flesh and the distinctly Thriller-esque behavior the zombies were exhibiting.

One possible reason for this scourge is that it is some kind of retribution for the Chicago based company, Life Gem, deciding to make diamonds from Michael Jackson’s hair. There also is some speculation that this event may be somehow tied in with the Curse of the Billygoat, responsible for the Chicago Cubs’ 65 year span without winning a pennant. Based on the Cubs’ performance over the last half a century or so, one would tend to believe that the ball team recruits exclusively from the ranks of the undead.

There have been no reports yet of any deaths or “brain-eatings” so it looks like this event was maybe just a show of force by the Undead Michael Jackson and his legions of zombies. Or maybe the Cubs just had a night off and were having a barbeque at the park with some of their fans and they ran out of hamburger patties. It’s impossible to say for sure.

source: www.chicago.decider.com

One of the more bizarre rumors surrounding the death of the King of Pop turns out to be fact. The Chicago based company, Life Gem, has secured some of Michael Jackson’s hair that was burnt off in the 1984 Pepsi commercial shooting and is planning to use it in a patented process that turns biological carbon into high quality laboratory diamonds. The company specializes in immortalizing deceased loved ones, including family members and pets.

Founder of Life Gem, Dean VandenBiesen, says that they will be able to produce about 10 diamonds from Jacko’s hair. No word as to the price of the diamonds yet but if past sales are any indicator, it could be big bucks. The company sold a diamond made by a lock of Ludwig van Beethoven’s hair for $200,000 back in 2007. If some sucker paid that much for a gem made from some dead guy that composed a few decent symphonies 250 years ago, imagine the sale price a diamond made from the creator of such masterpieces as “Childhood Song” and “Heal the World” would command.

I’m sure this is a dream come true for many Americans. Nothing says “spend the rest of your life with me” better than a Michael Jackson nugget mounted on a gold ring. More appropriately, you will now be able to embed Jacko next to your great uncle Oscar and your childhood kitty on your diamond-encrusted solid gold grillz for that million dollar smile.

source: www.reuters.com

PETA is at it again. Only this time they’re tampering with one of our most cherished traditions; The Annual Life-Size Butter Sculpting Exhibition at the Iowa State Fair which, until PETA got its panties in a wad, was to feature none other than Butter Jacko himself. Bummer. Thanks PETA!

Shortly after Michael Jackson’s death last month, fair officials announced that the King of Pop would be the latest celebrity (like Elvis and John Wayne before him) to be commemorated with a butter sculpture.

The idea went over like a lead balloon both with people offended by Jackson’s strange lifestyle and, on the other side of the fence, with PETA. The group’s executive vice president, Tracy Reiman, promptly fired off a letter to the Iowa State Fair’s CEO in which she asked that Jackson’s likeness not be sculpted from butter, but from a nondairy substitute instead.

The temptation of quoting from Jackson’s extensive song catalog proved too much for Reiman, who closed her letter with, “Making the statue out of cruel and unhealthy dairy products is simply a ‘bad’ idea. In honor of Michael’s concern for kids’ health, please use dairy-free butter for the statue — we’re sure you’ll find that you can’t ‘beat it.’ “

For lack of a better idea, the fair organizers opted to leave Butter Jacko’s fate up to readers of the Des Moines Register’s website via an online poll. Brilliant! Turns out Iowans are in lockstep with PETA on this one. 65% said “NO, we will not be buttering our funnel cakes with dollops carved from a creamy, delicious effigy of the King of Pop[corn]!”

In order to keep Butter Jacko’s delicate complexion firm, he was to be displayed in a glass-walled, temperature-controlled chamber. Sort of like this…

We’d like to thank our loyal reader, Josh Simmons, for this exclusive video of Michael Jackson shot on July, 19th, 2009. This video proves that Jacko still lives. Jackson looks about the same as he did before his supposed “death” so it is hard to tell if he is actually alive, or if he is just still the same old undead zombie we all knew and loved.

The tape purports to show Jacko talking to a young boy on the beach and then dancing with ghosts in the Sunset Valley Cemetery. This video gives us some hope that the King of Pop lives on! Although it does appear that his dancing skills have diminished significantly.

Michael Jackson’s transition to undeath was documented as early as 2002. Some doctors are saying that the photos posted by ABC News show a necrotic ulceration on his leg possibly caused by a faulty IV. There are reports that Jacko was injecting himself with narcotics years before his death. Yeah right. We’re not buying this hypothesis.

The more likely explanation is that these images show the onset of Michael Jackson’s transformation to the brain-eating “rage zombie” he is today. It is well known that the zombie state is nothing more than a necrotic ulceration of the entire body, including all organ systems except the nervous system. Because the soul and nervous system remains intact, the zombie feels incredibly intense physical pain that can only be temporarily relieved by the continual intake of fresh human brains.

The only documented way to put to rest a zombie is to destroy it’s cerebellum or brainstem. A well aimed bullet to the head or decapitation are a couple of the most popular methods of achieving this goal. Blunt weapons may serve to slow the zombie as it advances on you but will most likely not kill it. Another problem is that by the time the zombie is close enough for you to slam your baseball bat into it’s skull, there is a good chance that you will have already been infected yourself, compounding the problem.

We recommend that every resident of Southern California carry some type of firearm or bladed weapon with them at all times in case of a chance encounter with the Zombie Jacko lumbering through the streets of L.A. It is in everyone’s best interest that the zombie be put down. We wish Michael the best of luck attaining his ultimate rest.

source: www.abcnews.com

It appears that Michael Jackson’s untimely passing has struck a nerve within the Third Reich. Der Führer himself suffered a nervous breakdown after hearing about Jackson’s death. Jacko had been slated to perform at Hitler’s birthday party in Berlin along with Pink and Justin Timberlake. After receiving the dreadful news, Adolph asks anyone who does not own a copy of Thriller, Bad or Dangerous to leave the room and proceeds with a tirade about all the potential negative consequences of Jacko’s death.

“How dare that fucker dies!!! He was supposed to perform for me this weekend! I fund his surgery to turn him white and this is how he repays me!!! I even paid his legal fees. And when he molested my nephew I STILL stood by him like he were my own brother. I swear to God, if I get a single text message with a pedophile joke I will hit the fucking roof!”

Adolph then laments the fact that he never even got the chance to go to Neverland and ride the ferris wheel. Turning melancholy, he asks his officers to “refund everyone’s tickets” and to “cancel the clown.” Then, he remarks tearfully “I loved him.” I guess we need to start worrying about a Nazi invasion of Santa Barbara County now.

Looks like MJ is back from the dead again. Only this time he has a hunger for young boys of all things. Imagine that. Who knew?

Before being chased off with a computer printout of a vagina, the “King of Pop” was observed entertaining a crowd of boys with a game of Pop goes the Weasel. Only that was no ordinary “weasel” Jacko had crammed in there…

1. Cut a hole in a box.
2. Put your junk in that box.
3. Make an 11 yr old boy open that box.
4. Beat it!
5. Eeeee, Heeee, Heeeee!
6. Moonwalk back into the realm of the undead.

source: www.thespoof.com

It seems that Michael Jackson’s ghost is traveling the world doing a little Benny Hinn style faith healing here and there. Manila resident, Angelina Ramos, reportedly was diagnosed with a fatal blood condition by her doctor and given a ten percent chance of living for more than a year. Two days after Jacko died, she reports being woken up by his spectral presence at her bedside…

“‘He looked radiant, at peace, absolutely beautiful. It was Michael for sure. He had a warm smile on his on his face’ said Angelina.

’I was both stunned and at the same time uplifted’
‘He then touched my face and told me that my problems are over. He said I have nothing to worry about and that I should not be sad for him either for he has gone to a wonderful place and his pain too is now gone’.
‘The next day I went to the doctor for the usual check-up. The doctor came out and told me that my disease was in remission. He was so surprised. He said he could not undersand but I should be jumping for joy’
‘Michael cured me’ concluded Angelina.”

So it seems that while God/Allah is waiting to figure out what the hell to do with the Jehovah’s witness turned Muslim, Michael is earning a few brownie points by using his time to cure his fans of fatal diseases. A little last minute ass-kissing never hurts.

source: www.allnewsweb.com

Many who watched CNN’s “Inside Neverland” claim the shadowy figure at the 8:20 mark of this video is the Gloved-One himself. Take it from someone who’s seen every Poltergeist several times each, this is without doubt the ghost of Michael Jackson. Don’t let the fact that the ghost appears to have a nose fool you. Michael’s otherworldly spirit would certainly have the option to manifest himself in the form of “Off the Wall” era Jacko.

Where does a Canadian get off telling us what is and what isn’t the soundtrack to our lives? A sob story editorial posted on the Calgary Herald claims this…

“Jackson was an entertainer. He got up on a stage and sang. In the grand scheme of things, what he did was not all that crucial to the world. And for all those people who claim that ‘he was the soundtrack of my life,’ well, folks, the soundtrack of your life is actually made up of the voices of those you love, friends and family, who are in the moment with you and whose lives are entwined with your own in a way that the life of a singer, who did not even know you existed, can never be.

I don’t know about you but I don’t want some hoser telling me what is and what isn’t the soundtrack to my life. Jackson’s music may not be the literal soundtrack to my entire life but certain songs DO have their place. I won’t go into any detail here what activity the song, Beat It, is my soundtrack for. That’s for another blog.

source: www.calgaryherald.com